Grab The Happy

Hello, I'm Lana... and I'm anxious.  I've been this way for as long as I can remember.  As a child, I worried that something bad would happen to my mom and dad when they went out at night.  I was afraid every time I visited my grandparents that it would be the last time I'd see them.  In high school and college I fretted over every grade, every friendship, every event.  I don't think I was even aware that I was anxious all the time.  It's just who I was.

With age I've gotten better at managing my anxiety, and I use lots of different techniques to keep it under control.  Exercise, vitamins, good sleep, getting outside.  I wish I wasn't an anxious person.  But worrying about that just causes more anxiety, so I've learned to accept and manage it and move on.

Sometimes, though, it gets the best of me.  All the losses and changes come rolling in at once, out of nowhere.  December was tough.  It's no surprise that things can be hard during the holidays, but usually it's a time that I love.  This year, as I sat with my anxiety (and I'll admit, even a little panic some days), I got angry with myself.  Generally, I'm a happy person (and yes, you can be anxious AND happy).  Life is better than good.   Sure, crappy stuff has happened.  But nothing devastating, nothing life ruining, nothing worth being so damn anxious about.

My happiness is there, waiting to take the lead, but many days I let it get smothered by the anxiety.  Why?  Why do I choose to let negative thoughts take over and push everything else away?  I truly believe, in my particular case, that I am in charge of my own happiness.  Nobody else.  I can decide to be happy, or I can decide to be an anxious mess.  And I'm so tired of being anxious.  It's exhausting. 

So, to quote Whitesnake, "Here I go, again on my own."  I don't think they were  talking about anxiety per se, but I'm going with it.  I've got big plans for this year, things I want to do and become.  Places I want to go, literally and figuratively.  My word for the year is POSSIBILITY and anxiety is not going to hold me back.

On New Year's Eve I decided to write a list of all the things that aren't serving me, that are holding me back, that are adding to my anxiety.  Hurts, sorrows, problems, people, and situations.  All of it.  It was a LONG list.  Then I went outside, said a prayer or two or three, and burned that list up.  I don't need those things anymore.

The next day I got back into my morning routine.  Meditation, journaling, reading inspirational books, and praying.  I got outside and went snowshoeing with my family.  Fresh air and exercise can fix just about anything.  I ate well.  I took deep breaths.  And after one day I could feel the heaviness starting to lift.  Such simple things that make such a difference.  Why do I always forget about them?

And then I saw a FB post from my friend Rosie Dalton.  She is a beautiful, kind, inspirational woman that I had the pleasure of meeting at FierceCon in October.  She's been to hell and back, but when you meet her, the light just shines out of her heart and soul.  In her post, she wrote about 'grabbing the happy'.  "Happy is not necessarily going to come looking for you.  Sometimes it pops in as opportunity whizzing by gleefully, hoping that you will grab it by the hand".  As I read her words, I felt such a sense of peace wash over me.  And a direction.  A light at the end of the anxiety tunnel.  

I will always be anxious.  It's part of who I am.  But it doesn't get to take over anymore.  I won't let it be in charge.  I'm going to grab the happy and hang on for the ride.