All You Need Is Love

Happy Friday, friends!  I'm getting real honest today.  I wrote this post, then decided not to share it, then changed my mind again.  It's important to me, and hopefully it will resonate with some of you.

In August, whilst packing to visit Deena, she texted me to say that she'd booked a photo shoot for us.  Bring a few outfits to share on the blog, she said.  And my very first thought was "um, hell no".  

I wasn't happy with the way I looked or felt.  I'd put on more than a few pounds.  The combo of slacking on exercise and eating all the things had caught up with me. And being in your 50's is no joke.  There's wrinkles, and weird pains, and self doubt, and worry that you're running out of time, and lots of "what's the point of all this".  I've always been hard on myself, and the past few years I've become more and more critical.

But I'm nothing if not a good sport, so I chose a few fall outfits and added them to my suitcase.  And when it came down to the actual shoot, we had the best time.  Larissa was encouraging and sweet, and Deena and Bo made everything so much fun.  But I couldn't completely relax when I was behind the camera - I felt awkward, and uncomfortable and lumpy and... blah.

A week later George and I signed up for a Yoga Nidra class.  Yoga Nidra is a guided sleep meditation that is supposed to reduce stress and tension, and leave you feeling relaxed and rested.  I didn't have high expectations, but a nap sounded lovely.

We got comfortable, settled in, drifted off (maybe?), George started snoring...and then somewhere along the way, a voice suddenly said to me "you need to start loving yourself".  I realized that I was crying, but I felt peaceful and free of anxiety for the first time in forever.

After class I was emotionally exhausted, but the message was clear. I HAVE to start cutting myself some slack.  I love all the people in my life with my whole heart - my husband, my boys, my family, my friends.  Nobody's perfect, and I don't expect them to be.  But for some reason I feel differently about myself, and when I don't get there, I'm failing.

Soon after, the photos arrived from Larissa, and I opened them with a little trepidation.  They were beautifully shot, and I was immediately taken back to that evening and how much fun I had, surrounded by the stunning scenery and wonderful, warm, kind friends.  My first inclination was to criticize every picture of myself, but I took a deep breath and stopped.  I decided that I would share them on the blog, because while I didn't look perfect, I looked like ME.  A me that's worthy of loving myself.

There's lots of work to do, emotionally and physically.  Exercise and healthy eating is part of it, especially if I want to live to 100 like Grandpa Ed.  But figuring out how to be kinder to myself, after 51 years, is important too.  It's not easy, but I've promised myself to try.  The voice at Yoga Nidra told me to, and I know it's right.

All you need is love...even for yourself.