The Hardest Stage

I've been a mom for 7,001 days.  Yep, I counted.  7,001 days filled with sleepless nights, crying - both me and the kids :) -, hugs, runny noses, homework, sports practices, injuries, time outs and worry.  I've loved every one of those days.  Okay, maybe not every minute of every day, but like millions of other women, I feel like being a mom is what I'm supposed to do.

Wow, that is one puffy, tired face.  But the kid is cute!

When we brought C home from the hospital, it was difficult and scary.  He cried all the time, I was exhausted, and I kept wondering what I had gotten myself into.  My grandma had warned me that the newborn days were the hardest stage and that they wouldn't last long.  Within a few weeks we had settled into a routine and before I knew it my little redhead boy was one.

Then the terrible threes hit (it was the threes instead of the twos at our house).  I was so frustrated with C that I spent half the day taking deep breaths and reminding myself that I DID love him and didn't want to offer him up for international adoption.  Between tantrums -his and mine- my friends told me that this was the hardest stage and he was just trying to exert his new found independence.  We rode the toddler roller coaster and eventually it passed.

And most recently, the teen years.  Arguments, sulking, slamming doors, rude looks - could I send him away for a few years?   Once again my patience was tested and I wondered what I had gotten myself into. One day I called my mom in tears, telling her that I thought C hated me - and I was pretty sure the feeling was mutual.  She calmed me down and told me that this was the hardest stage, and soon it would pass.

All of them were right at the time, and those hard stages HAVE passed.  My tiny 6 pound baby is now over 6 feet tall, and he is a kind, intelligent, thoughtful young man.  Time to sit back, relax, and marvel that we all made it through alive.  But wait - we're heading into a new stage, and I think it's going to be the hardest one yet.

One day soon, C will be moving on to the next exciting part of his life - except I won't be in it every day. The best word I can use to describe what I'm feeling is heartbroken.  I know it's silly and ridiculous, but I can't seem to stop.  For 7,001 days I've had the privilege of watching him grow and sharing his successes and failures.  I can't imagine what it's going to be like without his crazy energy in the house.  My husband says it will be quieter and cleaner - sigh - he just doesn't understand.

Recently my mom told me that she cried every day for three months when I left for college.  I had no idea at the time and I'm sure I would have thought she was being over dramatic.  But now I get it.  I know that I will always be C's mom and he'll always need me in some way, but it just won't be the same.

I have some time before C finishes his undergraduate studies and then leaves for Italy to continue his training. Wait a minute - what if he meets an Italian woman and never comes back?  Oh good lord - deep breaths :).

I'm thankful that my kids won't be living at home in their 30's with a drug problem like the family down the street.  I'm lucky that they are alive, healthy and strong enough to go out into the world and make a life for themselves.  I know all that, but all I'm hearing in my head is blah, blah, blah.  This really is THE hardest stage - and nobody told me about it.